911 - The New House Rule

It's all so funny, now that we have the perspective of time, but at the time, it was extremely scary.  Probably one of the scariest times of my life.

Have you ever worried that you may lose your child or children?  This is one of my deepest rooted fears, one that is guttural. I have gone to many extremes (no not leashing), but matching outfits (stripes or matching tie-dies are the way to go) when we go to amusement parks, Disney, the zoo, basically any public outing where there would be crowds, I would plan ahead and find four matching shirts and dress my kids in them.  Josh would roll his eyes, and even his Mother would comment on how ridiculous the "matchy-matchy" was. I did care, and still do.  It is one way that I can keep my eyes on all of them at once.  And now they are 14, 12, 10 & 8.

When you are the keeper of the herd, anything that can help you keep an eye on them, the better, and anything that stands out in a crowd all the better in my eyes.  I have not lost one yet - in a large crowd setting at least ;-)

Well, we had just started the Autism EIBI/APA therapy in our home.  We had not yet found tutors, so we were starting slow with just me engaging Patrick for about 6 hours a day (at night, after work).  This night we were upstairs in his bedroom "working" and Patrick was working for a bottle of water (yep, it was that easy back then).  It was about 9:00 at night and we were close to wrapping up the evening.  The other three boys were tucked safely in their beds, and Josh was out with the boys playing softball.  (This was before he blamed softball for messing up his baseball throwing arm - sorry Hunnie!).

I sent Patrick downstairs to get his bottle of water while I cleaned up all of our supplies and entered in my last bit of data.  I thought I heard the garage door open, but couldn't be sure as Patrick's bedroom is on the other side of the house from the garage.  Thinking nothing of it, I finished my task, and headed down to get Patrick and bring him back upstairs for the bedtime routine.  As I entered into the Kitchen, there sat Patrick's water bottle and cap, but no Patrick...he was not sitting at the table.  I immediately turned around to check the locks on the front door - all vertical - door was locked.  I rushed over to the back door - locks vertical again - door was locked, checked the garage door - door was down.  My heart began to race, and I began to panic!  I started calling his name and running throughout the house.  I checked the basement, the basement toy room, I ran upstairs, checked all of the boys rooms, under all of the beds, the master bedroom, closets, bathrooms.  By now I was screaming his name and shouting please answer me, you are not in trouble, but Mommy is worried she can't find you. This was the longest minute of my life I swear!

I could not figure out where he could be!  All of the locks were in the correct position (this was before we installed the deadbolts - can you say this happened the next day?)  Patrick had seemingly disappeared out of thin air!  A frustratingly overwhelming sense of loss, panic and FEAR slammed into me that I can't explain.  My heart hurt with an indescribable pain!  I was crying so hard I could barely breathe, let along see.  Jack and Matthew were freaked out!  What an example I was of calm under pressure!  NOT!

I then grabbed a flashlight, the telephone and headed to the front door.  I asked the older boys to stay put, and I headed out the door.  I immediately made the scariest phone call of my life - so far.  I called 911.  By the way, if you know any of the police who work in the 911 call center - make sure you tell them how much you appreciate them!  Go visit them, take them a cake, lunch, what ever!  These folks are WONDERFUL!  I love our Police department.  They have taken such great care of us!

Anyway, the operator answered and I can't even say I was calm, which, at the time, was  pretty rare for me, and explained that my son was missing  I couldn't find him anywhere in our house, and all of the doors were locked from the inside.  I explained he was only four, and he had Autism, and the worst thing, he has a fear flight response.  Which means when he is scared he simply runs away.  And I mean he RUNS!  Remind me to tell you about our Big Boy experience.

The operator calmly began to ask me questions.  What was his name, what was he wearing, where did we live, and then she told me she was dispatching a car to our home and would stay on the line with me until they got there.  Luckily, my neighbors across the street, Neil and Katrina heard me outside and came running to help.  GOD LOVE THEM!  They are the best neighbors you could ever have.  Calm, helpful, resourceful and always, always ready to lend a hand - no matter what!

Then came the patrol cars.  Lights and sirens blazing - and at this time I did even know to tell them not to come with the sirens blaring...this truly scares Patrick.  The officers calmly asked if they could come in and they began to search the house.  The asked me if I had checked upstairs and encouraged me to do so again while they talked with my older sons (who were 6 and 8 at the time).  On my way back down the stairs, I heard Josh's voice, and then the officer's voice saying he was with you?????

I immediately knew what had happened, before even entering into the kitchen.  Josh had taken Patrick with him.  I was instantly angry and relieved at the same time.  I could have strangled Josh (but not with the police standing there)...Everybody laughed, but I was a mess.  This certainly was not funny!  I thought my son was GONE!  Luckily, he was just fine.  I thanked the officers profusely, all while shooting lasers from my eyes at my husband.  I wanted the floor to open up and swallow him.  I felt like an idiot!  I seriously thought he was gone, just simply poofed out of thin air!

Well the Police left (or at least we thought they left), and I was just about ready to unload on Josh, when there was a knock at the garage door - it was the Police - just checking back in to make sure Josh and I were okay, or rather Josh was...and the boys were alright - by the way, they have to do this, to ensure there aren't any domestic issues - they brought stuffed animals for the boys and left us to deal with the fall out.

Josh looked at me and began to laugh.  He thought this was all so funny!  This made me even more furious!  I was balling my fists so hard, my nails cut into my hands.  I was shaking, crying, and I couldn't even talk!  All I could do was stand there and stare at him!  AGGHHHH!

Josh realized at that very moment that I was genuinely terrified!  Regardless of Patrick safely arriving  home, no harm, no foul, his wife was on the edge of losing it, and the target was HIM!  So he tried another approach that always works but is seldom used... he apologized and began explaining.

See Josh left his wallet at home when he changed for the softball game.  He was hungry and wanted to go to McDonald's - his favorite post-game meal - but did have any money.  He came home to get it, and when he saw Patrick sitting at the table drinking his water, he feared Patrick would throw a fit if he left again, so he asked if he wanted to go with him.  Of course, Patrick wanted to go!  He would not pass up a chance to get some apple dippers!  So off they went.  It never even crossed Josh's mind to let me know...And when he drove up to the house and saw the three police cars in the driveway, he instantly knew what had happened.

Well, with that kind of explanation, I had no choice but to cry harder and go in for the hug!  I mean, how could I be angry with him for that?  He was trying to prevent another of Patrick's tantrums!

After I had cried it out, I made Josh promise, and we created a new house rule - that no one would take any of the kids out of the house - or even one of us leave the house - without making the other one aware of it first.  No kidding, it is on the House Rules board that is on the door leading out to our garage.

See, we are far from perfect parents, and I know there are worse things that can happen, and do happen all of the time, but also honest mistakes take place too.  If, at the end of the day, everyone is alive, healthy and mostly happy, that is a GREAT day in our house.  And no, there is no stripped or tie-died shirt that could have prevented what happened that summer night, all those years ago, but you/I just never know what will be waiting at the next corner.  Share your stories with me.  It may help, sharing with you has helped me!  Which is why I love standing here, at the corner of Hope and Love.

40 Hours a Week - Reaching Maximum Potential by Age 6

We are two sessions down and at the start of the third.  In between the last session, I was busy trying to find as many resources as possible, which meant extensive SHOPPING!  And no, not for shoes, or cute outfits, but for sorting baskets, +Rubbermaid shelving units, drawers, puzzles, anything that was colored, or bounced, squeaked, had some kind of texture, FLASH CARDS, bubbles, +Play-doh, Markers, +Crayons, Coloring books, anything that could be manipulated - love the wooden toys for this.  the Pizza making kits (the +Melissa and Doug line of wooden toys are my favorites), sandwich making kits, vegetables, fast food, plastic grocery food, I filled up his closet with these kinds of items.  Had them all organized.  It was great, because it was also around back to school time, so I got scissors, colored paperclips, glue sticks, recipe cards/note cards, all at great prices!  I used +Glad storage containers to keep things organized, and plastic zip freezer bags work well too! As I mentioned in previous posts, I hit the dollar store and "kitted" up as many things as I could think of - Feature/Function/Class things.  The party store is a great area to stock up on things like kazoo lips, sunglasses (the larger and the sillier the better for Patrick - in multiples of colors)  all of these things can be used to sort items.  Separate/sort the things the are alike (this is where you can shake it up a bit - start simple - two different colors of the same object - then as they begin to succeed, do different objects of the same color - then do same objects of different colors, and you can see it will go on and on).

So we felt we were ready to take the next step which was to find out how - logistically - we were going to pull off 40+ hours of intensive 1-on-1 training with our son, when both of us work full time at really demanding jobs, plus have three other children (fairly young ages too) and a house and family who wanted to see us, not to mention live our lives and have any time left over for each other - forget laundry or dishes, or toilets (I live with five males...).  Because this is what it was going to take for us, and for the other families in our training group.  40+ hours a week - not including the once a quarter visits to "clinic" for three hours a session three days a quarter.  I was sure there was a magic time turner (you know the one Hermione wears in one of the +Harry Potter Movies) somewhere Dr. Kim was going to tell us about that would allow us to turn back time so we could find these hours in our week... Without which we would not be able to do this, and Patrick would suffer.

See, if you haven't guessed already, I'm a fairly self motivated individual, who loves a great challenge - strategically for my brands and clients, or in life, so God definitely knew what he was doing when he blessed us with Patrick, and connected us with this EIBI/ABA program.  He plopped down a big fat 40-hour goal that I had to achieve - I had to.  Ultimately we are working towards our Vision where Patrick's Autism/PDDNOS would not interfere with his daily life, right, what a BHAG (Big Harry Audacious Goal)!  And that's saying something!  Real Pressure anyone?  Because I was feeling it!

The key to accomplishing the 40+ hours was to hire tutors.  So not only were we parents of a child on the spectrum, but now, we were understanding why we developed the vision, mission and goals, and why it was called a business plan.  However, we were just getting into the planning part.  I was totally overwhelmed!  I had NO idea how I was going to meet the 40+ hour goal, not to mention recruit (had no idea where to start!), security clear, train, let alone afford a staff of tutors to help us with Patrick.  When/Where was this going to take place?  We had some significant obstacles to overcome, and I needed to cry!  And this was more than the simple I'm sad cry, this was a full out, full blown jag!  I felt utterly hopeless, with no road map to guide me home.  How was I going to do this?  Josh had basically checked out at this point.  He was running financial models in his head and had slotted it impossible.  (remember how much I love my husband, but this was the truth, and I also promised you real, truth).  I, however, feeling very overwhelmed, lacking a clearly defined path and how to manual (which by the way would be a GREAT IDEA - just give me a shout out when you create it).  Oh, by the way, don't forget we had basically two years to make a significant impact in Patrick's life (or at least we were lead to believe that.  We know differently now).

So with 40 hours a week, every week, 52 weeks a year 104 weeks in the two years we had to do it in, every minute counted!  AND, I literally  had no idea how to start.  Do you ever feel that way?  The pressure is on, and you need to reach DEEP down inside yourself, and you know it, but you are almost paralyzed with a complete sense of overwhelming that you can't even provide the most simplest solution or answer the most basic of question like - where's the milk?  That was me.  Pathetic, I know, but I was totally in the weeds, completely incapable of seeing the trees, let alone the forest.

So I stopped.  I stopped it all.  I sat back, took a deep breath, and began to road map - or build my brand and obstacle course.  I had my goals clearly outlined, now I needed to define my objectives first, and that started with logistics.  How and where would I find tutors?  - Well, Craig's list was pretty popular at the time, why not use this free service and advertise for positions?  So I did, I began what ended up being almost a quarterly endeavor.  Advertising for tutors.  At one time we had almost 15 different tutors working with Patrick!

Okay, so now that I had some responses to my ads, where should I interview them?  Was this going to be a security risk for my family?  I couldn't interview them at work, and I thought they needed to see the environment they would be working in.  So I interviewed them at our house.  We ended up receiving primarily Psychology majors and graduate students, a few ABA trained tutors as well, and some Child Focus employees who were loyal beyond belief and stuck with us through the tick and thin of it all.

Finger printing & Background checks - YES!  Definitely, DO THEM!  I asked for copies of drivers licences, and had them go to the local police department to be finger printed and have a background check.  If they were going to be working with  my son, and with my other children in the house, they were going to be cleared!  Another possibility is to work with your local Catholic church to have you teams fingerprinted there and go through the Archdiocese program, then request copies of the documentation of course completion and results.  DO NOT HIRE UNTIL THIS IS DONE and YOU HAVE THE RESULTS!  PLEASE!

Wages - this is a difficult question,  how much to pay your tutor?  Should it be based upon experience?  Great question?  One I asked myself.  And where we weighed out on it was no.  They have no experience with our son, and every child on the spectrum is different, so they all started at an hourly rate of $10.00!  YIKES!  Quick math says $400 a week, which means $1,600 a month!  That was more than our house payment!  And this was not the clinical fees. So when I say its a BIG investment, it is BIG, but it is also EXTREMELY worth EVERY penny!

We had help, we didn't have a waiver, but we had help from family who were amazing!  We wouldn't have been able to it without them.  Between Tutor salaries, Clinic bills, we were spending almost $3,000 in cash every month.  That was about half my monthly salary at the time!  And we were living paycheck to paycheck before this, with all four kids in daycare...  But we had made the decision to do it, and we were committed, so we would find it, and cut back as much as possible, wherever possible to make it work.  And God has always provided for us, and he continues to do so!

Training - well, I was just trained, so it was still fresh in my mind, but how to train the trainers?  I was by no means an expert, but it needed to be done.  So I broke down his programs, made copies of all of this course descriptions and we had training sessions.

This is when Josh came up with the idea to ask our daycare if they would allow us some room in their facility where Patrick could go during the day with his tutor(s) and work...And next time, I'll tell the very dramatic story of daycare neglect, and how we learned our first lesson of advocacy, the hard way.  Until next time, I'll be waiting for you at the corner of Hope and Love.